ArtHoles

Caravaggio Ep 7 of 8: A Baroque'n Man on the Run (Part 1)

In a post-Nooch world, a comparatively short period in Caravaggio’s life is jam-packed with a comparatively large amount ludicrousness, so the finale is now a two-parter.

What do you do when you’re on the run for murder? You create some of the most important western art of all time, obvi. Plus, you keep acting like an asshole, because you literally never learn.

Caravaggio’s road to redemption is a joyful, nostalgic romp through Europe. It starts with a bribe, veers offtrack due to another Johnny Testicle incident, then gets back on track... until it’s interrupted by a church organist and a pirate gun. Because why wouldn’t it.  Also, there’s stuff about art.

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Caravaggio Ep 6 of 8: Tennis Balls

Greg Rotolanti, butter, Fillide, sex-wrinkles, a resolute and purposeful “Jenis,” The Nooch, a magic flying house, and tennis. I honestly don’t know what else to say. I for sure lost it on this one.

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Caravaggio Ep 5 of 8: What'd You Call Me?!

Baglione, Mao, The Nooch... As adversaries emerge, lines are drawn, and words are exchanged. Really, really, ridiculous words with unimaginable fallout.

Caravaggio finds a brother figure in Onorio Longhi, even though his actual brother also lives in Rome. Onorio finds his merengue needs unfulfilled, but his hunger for violence satiated. And, Fillide finds out that some moms are checked out a bit early, while some co-workers check in behind your back.

Let your porny paintings become more violent, your devotional paintings become more public, and never, EVER let anybody disrespect your Cecco without a reckless attempt at retribution. After all, omnia vincit amore, right?

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Caravaggio Ep 4 of 8: Hitting the High Notes

 

The new Counter-Reformation mix tape dropped…ya heard? It’s a music-heavy episode, not all of which is appropriate for work. Maybe not everybody’s work, but, most people’s work. Cardinal Del Monte has quite a few guests at the house and people have thoughts. Also, Caravaggio creates some paintings inspired by music, a guy named Francis, and Mario Minitti’s sultry gaze. And, I lash out at more Popes.

 

Take a listen and learn about some terrible surgeries, a lazy investigation by the sbirri, and some memory problems. We also learn that it’s hard to say goodbye, especially when you know you have to. Because, violence.

 

Caravaggio Ep 3 of 8: Bringing Lusciousness Back to Caput Mundi

Caravaggio finds a new home after maybe murdering somebody.  But who would take in such a person?  Turns out, lots of people. We’ll learn about Caravaggio’s artistic developments, including one painting that has a surprising connection to the show!  We’ll also learn that sometimes, having your monkey cared for is more important than rebuilding a city.

If you were a genre painting, what kind of genre painting would you be?  Would you have bursting figs and succulent cherries?  Would you be a red-wine-drunk sex god? Or would you just steal stuff? 

Just let your Soul Glo, meet a few Cardinal-Nephews, keep your lizard where it belongs, and, of course, watch out for horses.

Caravaggio Ep 2 of 8: Meet the Merisis

How many Caterinas is a sufficient number of Caterinas? What’s the appropriate length of a baby Jesus arm?  Is John of Austria the worst? Does a REAL Catholic uncontrollably vomit?

These are the questions we’ll tackle together in order to dig into the beginning of Michaelangelo Merisi’s life and career!  That, and, I butcher Italian names, recklessly valuate the scudo, and justify the imprisonment of homeless people on a moated island (sorta). Manner-isn’t…amirite…?

Caravaggio Ep 1 of 8: But, First...A Tale of Fish Sandwiches, Butter Towers, and Judas Cradles

One of the greatest and most enigmatic painters, born into an insane time. He was also a complete nightmare. This is the story of a man whose poor behavior was matched only by his ability to capture the human condition. It's also a story of extreme violence, tennis(?), two weird poems, and ridiculous amounts of enabling and privilege.

But, first, our story begins away in a manger... It then quickly flies off the rails when some Roman Emperors make bad decisions, a bunch of popes have rough days, and the fallout after the church’s needs outpace its wallet.

 

Jackson Pollock Ep 9 of 9: Death, Sadness, and a Bunch of Math

I feel like the title of this episode really bottom-lines what’s happening here.  Clement Greenberg takes a stand at Jackson’s funeral, Lee doesn’t stand near anyone, and I can’t stand math. 

We finally get to talk about what Jackson Pollock’s drip paintings are. And for that, we need the assistance of nerds. So let's watch some ocean waves crash, talk about D ratio with Benoit Mandelbrot, and try to measure a coastline before our brains melt. 

A full series is now officially in the books.  I hope everyone had a blast and learned tons of useless information!

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Jackson Pollock Ep 8 of 9: A Long and Winding Road

Jackson begins to scare even the most grizzled of Bonacker, Lee starts to assert her independence, and we meet a man named Bootie.

So have a chat with a secret prostitute at the Cedar Tavern, discover that sex symbols can come from the unlikeliest of places, and don’t forget to drink your health juice. 

Also, we learn more about 1950 East Hampton than you ever wanted to know, an old woman gets treated like a ping pong ball, and Harold Rosenberg writes an article that nobody understands.

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Jackson Pollock Ep 7 of 9: Mrs. Schaefer and the Barbiturates

This episode flies off the rails.  Roger $%#$@ Wilcox comes front and center and there’s also a crazy brawl in a mud pit. Jackson becomes ridiculously famous, drops a bunch of c-bombs, and somebody makes a critical post-colostomy decision in Connecticut (of all places).

Get ready to deal with a terrible spinach analogy, General Patton (I get distracted), a guy named Ron, and Hans Namuth pushing Jackson over the edge.  So take a bunch of barbiturates, ask Bertha Schaefer inappropriately aggressive and personal questions, and get ready for a family reunion!

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